I get questions about how I can live with my scars. Most of the time I don’t notice. I’m used to it. I don’t remember how it feels to touch my arm or leg and feel smooth skin. Those times when I do notice, I get overwhelmed by sadness.
I wanted to get rid of the pain I felt. I’d give anything to feel okay. To me, there were no other options. I thought hurting myself was the only way. I’d spent so much time trying to make myself as ugly on the outside as I felt on the inside. It doesn’t work that way.
There’s a big misundertanding about self harm. People think it’s about cuts, cutting, blood and scars. That’s not what it’s about. It’s about feelings, pain, hurt, sadness, depression, fear, anger, hate, loneliness. You feel like there’s something wrong with you, and that no one will ever be able to love you.
I believed self harm was something I could control. I learned the hard way that cutting is an addiction. Something to take you focus away from feelings you hold inside.
For a bit you’ll enjoy the peace it gives you, but when it’s over and your thoughts come back, you’ll be wanting to do it again. This is a way out, this is what makes you feel better. Honestly, it’s no way to live your life. It’s painful, it’s lonely, it’s tough.
Even if you can see my scars, you don’t know me. Where I’ve been, who I am, what I’ve been through or why I’ve done this.
Even if I have scars I can still live a normal life. I can still wear a pretty dress, even if you can see my scars. Underneath the scars, I’m still the same person.
I’m not special. If I can fight this, so can you. It’s a slow process, it’s one hell of a fight. It gets better. You deserve better. I don’t care if you believe me or not, but I believe in you."
Hannah Rose (via why-am-i-on-fire)